Millennials of New York, a Brilliant Humans of New York Parody

by Matt Coneybeare

on Aug. 4, 2015 at 12:49 PM

at 12:49 PM on August 4, 2015

“Buying organic and local is just a way of life for me now. It’s just so important to me that I know where the stuff I buy is being farmed and who is doing the work. That’s why I’m proud to say my weed guy lives in my building and the weed I smoke is sourced from a secret roof garden in Queens, as it should be.”

"People these days simply don’t cherish the wisdom of our elders like we should. In 1923, my grandfather arrived in New York after an eight week voyage from Ireland. He lived in the city his entire life, and even though he passed away when I was 10, he made sure to pass down some of the valuable lessons that he learned before he died-- sage advice like 'The hot dog stand on 54th Street sells loosies for a quarter' and 'Always tip your barkeep, even if he's a Protestant.’ There's a reason they're called the Greatest Generation."

"I honestly think society puts too much pressure on people to grow up before they’re ready emotionally. I’m 28 years old — sorry if I don’t want to put myself in a box for the rest of my life."

"I love coffee, but it’s impossible to find a good cup in this city. Starbucks is the worst of all; how do they always manage to spell your name wrong? Near my place there's a café with a barista named Lauren, and she always gets my name right because she's memorized it. Plus how can you call yourself a coffeeshop and not even offer latte art? Lauren draws the most amazing leaves in my foam every single morning--except Tuesdays, when she repairs vintage harps in her apartment. And would it really be so hard for them to hire more employees with tortoise shell glasses, red hair as vibrant as their lipstick, and a stunning shoulder tattoo of Eleanor Roosevelt throwing a tomahawk? I just hate these big corporations."

“I majored in Finance and moved to Murray Hill after graduation. I tried to keep the college life going, but that’s hard to do when bars charge $7 for Bud Light Platinum at happy hour. I spent so much money that I had to move to Brooklyn. I went to bed one night and woke up with this beard. I’ve tried shaving it, but it grows back whenever I go to sleep. It’s like a hipster version of ‘The Santa Clause.’”

"I buy passes for music festivals and post them on Instagram before reselling them so people think I have a social life. I’ve actually never been to one. I had someone ask me why I never post pictures of the actual festival and I said, 'I leave my camera at home because reality shouldn’t be viewed through a lens.'”

"I grew up on the Upper West Side, so I’m VERY politically conscious. I try to stay well informed on all the important current events, but there is honestly a TON going on these days. It's impossible! Like, I keep misreading “refugee" as “referee.” And suddenly I’m like 'Why isn’t anyone doing anything about all these displaced referees? We need them for sports! Let them get visas!' It’s just too hard to keep up."

"I was searching for a more permanent place to live after subletting for a few months and found an amazing studio on the Upper East Side. The realtor told me I needed a month’s rent, a security deposit, and a newborn kitten. I thought it was kind of an odd request, but I really didn’t want to lose the place so I brought everything to her office the next morning. She ate the cat. She ate it and made me sign the contract in blood. I absolutely love the apartment."

"For months I was utterly miserable. I was going to therapy three times a week and actually listed 'crying' as one of my hobbies on Tinder. After realizing nobody was going to solve my problems for me, I went to the zoo and paid $80 to take a picture with a penguin wearing a tiny sweater. I posted it on Instagram and it got 123 likes! 123!! I suddenly felt like my life had been filled with a purifying, healing light. I was able to completely stop going to therapy, and last weekend my ex even texted me 'Mouth?' at 3 AM. I think things are finally starting to turn around. Thank you so much, Instagram."

"It's literally impossible to take advantage of the city when everything is as expensive as it is. Isn't DeBlasio supposed to be doing something about these ridiculous rent prices? It feels like by the time I'm done paying for other basic necessities—groceries, electric, Internet, MetroCard, Sunday brunches, margarita machine maintenance, feather headdress-making lessons, Saturday brunches, an officially licensed SoulCycle machine for my apartment so I don't have to worry about classes filling up—there's really nothing left for me to have any fun with. I don't want to ask my parents to up my allowance but I don't know if I have a choice anymore."

Started by Millennial-targeted Elite Daily back in May, the Millennials of New York parody of Humans of New York is pure comedic gold, funny because we all know somebody who fits one of these to a T.

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Matt Coneybeare

Editor in Chief

Matt enjoys exploring the City's with his partner and son. He is an avid marathon runner, and spends most of his time eating, running, and working on cool stuff.

Posts by Matt Coneybeare

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